The Poison Pen Awakens

I have much to say, much to share, much to disclose. Let me preface all of this by stating at the outset that I was not strong-armed into signing any kind of non-disclosure nor was my silence used as leverage against any money that is due me (as typically happens). My silence has not been forced or bought and paid for. My words, as always, are mine and I will speak. For legal reasons, I will not name names but they know who they are. As do many of you.

A special note to my friends that remain working there, I am touched by the number of you (friends, co-workers, former co-workers, family, even acquaintances) that have reached out privately to express anger, frustration, shock and fear over what has transpired. Most of you realize that you are living under a microscope and being stalked on all forms of social media too. If you do not realize that, please know that it is true. There is a snake in the garden whose purpose is to stalk people for their words, their posts, their perceived thoughts, their “likes” and to cause whatever manner of discord they can. Whether that is an errand given by someone who doesn’t have that access or sense of anonymity or if that is a self-appointed position, it exists. I would encourage all of you to communicate privately but use the utmost caution doing anything on social media. Yes, your time and your thoughts ARE your own, but they are still being manipulated and will be used against you by someone of lower moral fiber. Someone who uses the guise of a “concerned co-worker” is anything but. There is something in it for them and their judgmental self-imposed superiority has nothing altruistic in its nature at all.

I am also very much aware that, as always happens, this has been and will continue to be spun for the preservation of the face of the company. They will say whatever they need to in order to justify their wrongdoings, but the truth doesn’t change. I know the truth, they know the truth and guess what? The man upstairs knows the truth too and His memory supersedes all of our earthly recollections. As you sow in life, you shall reap. Vengeance is not mine to enact, nor shall I, but know that your reward awaits you at the hands of one mightier and more powerful than any of us. Will you lie to His face too? Spin it how you will, but this is the truth and I absolutely know I could stand face to face with my maker and proclaim it to be.

We are all very much aware of the current situation in the world as far as this pandemic goes. I have shared more than once my concerns, my very legitimate concerns. I have underlying health conditions that make me high risk and also present me with the unique place of being one of the ones in the “more likely to die from it” category. Those risks also exist in my family. We are a high risk household. We have all been horribly sick over the last several months, but it’s not known with what. Could it have been Covid? Sure. Was it? I don’t know. Once you’ve had it can you catch it again? Mmmm…”probably” not but that’s something they’re starting to question. Is there more than one strand of it? Yes. Will having one protect you from the other? Yeah…again…don’t know. There are a lot of unknowns still.

From March up until last Monday, I worked from home. Everything I do in the office, I could do from the safety of my home. In fact, nearly everyone felt like they were being much more productive and efficient in their work as they worked from home. This feeling wasn’t unique to me.

Did I have concerns about returning to the office? You bet I did. Justifiable ones. Did the company say all the right things? Sure. Did they do the deep cleaning they assured us they did? The layer of dirt and dust all over my desk and overhead cabinet say no, but they said so. Okay. Was the cleaning of the common surfaces done as often as they promised? No – unless it was an employee cleaning up after themselves or seeing something that needed attention. Heck, the floor hadn’t even been vacuumed. The fuzzball next to my chair mat that was there when I set up my desk the afternoon of 6/12 was still there when I left 6/18. (Could I have picked it up? Yes but I was testing a theory.)

Again, legitimate concerns.

Scroll back to my first day in the office (Monday, June 15^th). First day back was hard for every single person in that office (except the rat maybe). I did what so many others have done and expressed my feelings on my own time, on my own Facebook page. Bullet points of what I shared from that day:
          - High Anxiety
          - Lack of Sleep
          - Raging Headache
           - Loads of Emails
          - Cold, Rainy, Gloomy Day
          - One of my first calls is a customer that drives all us crazy and she just wanted to scream
          - Missing my honey, my kids & my fuzzy socks
          - Construction crew hits a gas line and the building is evacuated
          - All of this before 11

Apparently a “concerned co-worker” took that post to my supervisor and manager and I got called in over it on Wednesday at the end of my shift. Among a litany of offenses they found in it (bear in mind neither of them have access to my posts):
          - I’m miserable
          - I hate my job
          - I hate the customers and they’re suffering for it
          - I am incapable of being anything other than negative
          - I never ever see the glass as half-full (I can’t tell you how much I detest that analogy in any form – the glass is re-fillable, it’s neither half-empty or half-full)
          - I hate my life
          - I want to jump off a building
          - I need counseling

There was more to it, obviously, but that’s the bare bones of it. You can probably imagine my incredulousness at the whole discussion. This was obviously precipitated by someone who doesn’t know me. At all.

There were a lot of things that were discussed that were, quite frankly, none of their business. I did point that out and was told that when it impacts my work it IS their business. Of course, when I asked for specific examples they back peddled and didn’t have any. It was a witch-hunt from the outset and I knew it. I stood up for myself, I defended my right to my feelings, my right of expression and I didn’t apologize or grovel at anyone’s feet as was expected of me. (If you’ve been there awhile and had any of those “conversations” you know the appropriate response is to grovel at someone’s feet while reaching up to kiss their ass. Sadly, I’ve got a bad knee and have never developed a taste for ass.)

The one thing I wish I had handled better in that situation was when I was asked very personal questions about things that they legally can’t ask about. Here I am, in a small office with a shut door, a manager and a supervisor being questioned and asked to defend myself. The act, in and of itself, is confining, suppressing and isolating. At no time did I feel safe enough to stand up and walk out that door. When I was asked about my health problems and those of my family, I answered. I wish I hadn’t. Legally they CANNOT do that. When they asked, point blank, if my child that suffers with anxiety and depression is medicated and seeing a counselor, I should have walked out. I was floored. What in the bloody hell gives them the right to demand an answer to that (remember the situation I’m sitting in – that scene is not one anyone can safely walk away from)? Demand an answer, they did. Had I known then how things would transpire, I would have told them to eff off and walked out the door.

An hour later, I emerged from interrogation absolutely stunned that they feel like they have the right to question anyone like that. You don’t pay me enough to buy control over my thoughts, my feelings or my right to express that.

The next day, Thursday, right before my shift ends I get a message that asks if I have about 5 minutes before I leave so they can “wrap up” yesterday’s conversation.

I got pulled into one of the “real” meeting rooms and was “let go.” Among other things, I asked for an explanation and was met with a lot of stumbling over words and a “the decision has been made”. Among the litany of offenses stated above, I wasn’t making any efforts to change or progress. I asked for a letter listing those offenses and was told no. I was offered a letter of termination if that was what I wanted. I said no, I wanted a letter outlining their reasons. Mister calm, cool and collected lost his composure and said “I won’t do it. I won’t put it in writing.” Hmmm…okay. “That’s because you don’t have any real reasons” was my accurate response. I did make sure to let him know that the entire “leadership team” is made up of hypocrites (yes, even those of you reading this now). You sit on these high thrones in glass towers leveling out platitudes about virtue, honor, integrity, honesty and you are completely incapable of living those very things. When you have to rely on spies, half-truths and deceit to justify your actions the fault lies in you, not me.

Life is funny. We find those very things that we seek. If you look for wrong, you find it. If you look for good, you find it. If you look for truth, you find it. If you look for ways to purge a company of irreplaceable employees that stand up for themselves and their rights, you find that too. Tell me this though…when you look in a mirror of truth, what do you see? I see a clean conscience. I bet you can’t say the same.

You can contrive situations, you can make up stories and lies to justify your actions, you can do whatever you want but you cannot change the truth. Lies to cover up lies build up and eventually that house of lies comes crashing down.

I am NOT the first person this has happened to, nor will I be the last. There are a whole lot of amazing people that have walked this road before me away from this cultish, toxic company and have found absolute purpose and joy in the freedom. As I started out on this road Thursday, I wasn’t sad. I was mad as hell (still am because it was wholly unjustified, discriminatory and sexist) but I’m fine. My worth was never, ever tied to that company or the people there. My worth is, as it always has been, on my shoulders. I walk away knowing that I am a better person, I am worth more than they know, I am valuable and they will never be able to fill my spot with anyone who has even a fraction of the knowledge and capabilities I do.

All of the brow-beating and belittling that is done to women in that company has never worked on me and never would have. Perhaps that is what was to be my undoing, but I’m okay with that. This is a company that is completely patriarchal in nature and both degrades and devalues women. They pay them less, treat them worse and keep a few close ones at hand so it doesn’t look like the sexism is there from the outside, but it is. My outspoken, educated, well-versed, strong nature was intimidating and it couldn’t be beaten out of me. I will never apologize for those very traits that help form my divine nature.

For the last almost 7 years, you paid me a wage to do a job. That doesn’t mean you get to own me. Your belief that everything a person says and does (either inside work or outside) is your concern is ludicrous. You are not Jim Jones, this is not Jonestown and I have always hated Kool-Aid.

As I close this door with my head held high, I’m at peace with it.

Working After The 'Rona

Without question, this is perhaps the weirdest time in history any of us have lived through. So many things over the last few months have felt strange, bizarre, unfamiliar and at times scary. As we are seemingly approaching the end of the pandemic and ensuing lockdown, (my thoughts on that on a different day) life is returning to normal. Some semblance of normal anyway.

Today is not the day to debate the ‘Rona. Today we’re talking about what comes next. To do that though, we have to look at what the last 3 months have been like at least in some part.

How have you spent the last 3 months? Did you continue to get up and go to work every day? Did you find yourself without a job? Were you, like me, one of the ones lucky enough to be working from home? I am thankful beyond words that I have been able to work from home. Had I not had that opportunity afforded me, I absolutely know I would have lost my job.

To understand now, we need to take a step back about 6 months. It was about 6 months ago that everyone around was sick. It was one thing after another and as soon as something seemed to ebb away, something else was right behind it. I don’t even know how many times we took the kids to the doctor between December and February. It seemed like they had the flu (tired, achy, feverish) but the cough…it just didn’t stop. “It’s a cold” “It’s going around” “It’ll run it’s course in about 3-4 weeks” Over and over and over and over! By the end of February they were finally feeling better.

Then March happened. Within a matter of about 10 days my mom was in the ER with pneumonia (diagnosed by a physical exam and a lung x-ray), Dad had Influenza B, Vance went down hard with what looked like the flu for several days and then I got it too. Boom, boom, boom, boom!

I can’t adequately describe what this sickness was like. I’m asthmatic so lung issues are nothing new to me, but this was bad. It was like a weird hybrid of pneumonia, asthma attacks and that one time I had mono. I’d lay down and I honestly felt like I was drowning. For about 2 months I fought this stuff. I could barely make it out of bed some days. Vance and the boys brought all of my work stuff home and set up an office upstairs in the bedroom. I started to finally feel better about a month ago, but my lungs are not fully recovered and I don’t know if they ever will be. I get winded so easily still. To say I would have lost my job is no exaggeration. I couldn’t have taken 2 months off, I didn’t even have enough PTO left to take 3 days off.

Did we have the ‘Rona? Without a positive test, I can’t say that 100%, but having lived it I can tell you without a doubt, yes.

I see comments online about “house arrest” or being in a “government-imposed time out” or being “stuck at home”…that makes me sad. Being home, sheltered in place with my family during a time of absolute uncertainty has been my safe haven. I know as long as we’re here and we’re together that we’re safe. What lies outside those doors, as we’ve seen, we have zero control over.

I spent so much of this time sick that we didn’t get to do all the things I would have liked to have done, but I am very grateful for those moments and experiences we’ve had together. My “to do” list remains, for the most part, undone.

Next Monday I join the throngs of other workers who have already gone back to their respective offices. And, like many of them, I don’t want to. To say otherwise would be a lie and I don’t lie. What’s worse is it has absolutely blown me away at the sheer number of friends I have who have been “talked to” or “chastened” about their less than enthusiastic return to the workplace.

How each one of us has dealt with this whole experience is expressly unique to us and our situation. My feelings are not the same as anyone else’s and it’s ignorant to assume anything other than that.

I’m not an expert by any means, but I do think my 4 years of studying psychology give me a little more insight than Joe-Blow reading a self-help book or a magazine in the grocery store line or watching Dr. Phil.

Let us first define what a traumatic event is before we go any further. “A traumatic event is a shocking, unexpected, scary or dangerous experience than can affect someone emotionally, spiritually, psychologically or physically.” Did you know that the word “Trauma” actually comes from the Greek word for “Wound”? A wound doesn’t have to be physical to cause fear, a sense of helplessness, hurt or grief. Can we all agree that we have been living through what is, by definition, a traumatic event?

Good. Now what?

I could throw study after study after study at you on what the “right” way to work through trauma is, but I won’t. There are as many opinions on it as there are theorists. One thing that is fundamental to healing though, is recognizing the trauma. Once you recognize it for what it is the healing can begin. To ignore it is irresponsible and dangerous. Ever had a sliver you didn’t notice right away? It didn’t just get better did it? No. You had to find the sliver and remove it before the wound could start healing.

Workplaces are implementing all sorts of safe guards to protect their workers and make their work environments as safe as they can, but the reality is that they can’t promise with 100% certainty that everything will be fine. They can do everything in their power to make it a safe place to be, but didn’t we all feel safe in those same places 3 months ago? Were we? That’s definitely something one could debate.

I know many work places are trying to talk to their employees and reassure them about their return to work and that’s great. There definitely needs to be open dialogue, but they need to listen too. It’s really easy to get caught in the trap of assuming everyone handles trauma the same and that’s not true. Our reactions, our responses and our ensuing needs are going to be as different and unique as we are. Because one person seems okay with things, don’t make the mistake of assuming everyone is. And please, please, please don’t shame anyone for handling things differently than you think they should. You are NOT them. Yes, you want them to be 100% committed to returning to work and I get that. But they can’t be bullied, shamed or coerced into it. We’ll all get there in our own time.

Or we won’t.

It’s unrealistic to think the last 3 months aren’t going to have a lasting impact on us. Haven’t they already changed everything?

Consider it this way…you aren’t just asking us to return to work. You’re asking us to redefine normal in a world we’ve been isolated from for 2-3 months. You’re asking us to just pick up where we left off without recognizing that’s not possible. Nothing is the same. We can go through the same motions, do the same job, dress and act the way we did before but we’re doing it in a foreign world. This goes so much deeper than fearing change. You’re expecting us to embrace change and grow from change into a world we don’t know anymore. You don’t know that world either. Is that overly dramatic? Maybe to some people. Maybe not to others.

Now can I throw something else in the already muddled mix? Taking all of this into account, what about homes, families and individuals where mental illness is already an issue? Close your eyes for a second and try to imagine what that looks like. I’m serious – close your eyes and try.

There are many of us who, prior to this, had to deal with mental illness in our lives already. How much harder do you think it is now? Imagine you have a child who fights severe depression and anxiety and realizes their rock is leaving them in an uncertain world to go back to work. Do you think that fear is any less in an older child than it would be a young one? What about a spouse? That’s not at all dramatic if that’s your reality. Mental illness is scary and dangerous without extra trauma thrown into the mix. Until you live it, you can’t even begin to understand it. You can’t even begin to understand the overwhelming, suffocating fear of leaving those who need you the most to go back to work.

So if I seem less than thrilled to go back to work, you’re reading that right. One thing about me, I’m honest to a fault. This may be one of those times where the truth is ugly, but it doesn’t change the fact that my truth is my truth. I don’t want to go back and that has absolutely nothing to do with my job. You can make the workplace as safe as you can, offer all the assurances you want but it doesn’t change how I feel. I get that you’re doing your best, but so am I. My best looks different than yours though.

There is no how-to guide to maneuver through this next stage. I suggest we all practice empathy, understanding, kindness and acceptance as we make this walk alone. We have each other to offer support and encouragement, but ultimately it’s a journey we all make alone.