The Poison Pen Awakens

I have much to say, much to share, much to disclose. Let me preface all of this by stating at the outset that I was not strong-armed into signing any kind of non-disclosure nor was my silence used as leverage against any money that is due me (as typically happens). My silence has not been forced or bought and paid for. My words, as always, are mine and I will speak. For legal reasons, I will not name names but they know who they are. As do many of you.

A special note to my friends that remain working there, I am touched by the number of you (friends, co-workers, former co-workers, family, even acquaintances) that have reached out privately to express anger, frustration, shock and fear over what has transpired. Most of you realize that you are living under a microscope and being stalked on all forms of social media too. If you do not realize that, please know that it is true. There is a snake in the garden whose purpose is to stalk people for their words, their posts, their perceived thoughts, their “likes” and to cause whatever manner of discord they can. Whether that is an errand given by someone who doesn’t have that access or sense of anonymity or if that is a self-appointed position, it exists. I would encourage all of you to communicate privately but use the utmost caution doing anything on social media. Yes, your time and your thoughts ARE your own, but they are still being manipulated and will be used against you by someone of lower moral fiber. Someone who uses the guise of a “concerned co-worker” is anything but. There is something in it for them and their judgmental self-imposed superiority has nothing altruistic in its nature at all.

I am also very much aware that, as always happens, this has been and will continue to be spun for the preservation of the face of the company. They will say whatever they need to in order to justify their wrongdoings, but the truth doesn’t change. I know the truth, they know the truth and guess what? The man upstairs knows the truth too and His memory supersedes all of our earthly recollections. As you sow in life, you shall reap. Vengeance is not mine to enact, nor shall I, but know that your reward awaits you at the hands of one mightier and more powerful than any of us. Will you lie to His face too? Spin it how you will, but this is the truth and I absolutely know I could stand face to face with my maker and proclaim it to be.

We are all very much aware of the current situation in the world as far as this pandemic goes. I have shared more than once my concerns, my very legitimate concerns. I have underlying health conditions that make me high risk and also present me with the unique place of being one of the ones in the “more likely to die from it” category. Those risks also exist in my family. We are a high risk household. We have all been horribly sick over the last several months, but it’s not known with what. Could it have been Covid? Sure. Was it? I don’t know. Once you’ve had it can you catch it again? Mmmm…”probably” not but that’s something they’re starting to question. Is there more than one strand of it? Yes. Will having one protect you from the other? Yeah…again…don’t know. There are a lot of unknowns still.

From March up until last Monday, I worked from home. Everything I do in the office, I could do from the safety of my home. In fact, nearly everyone felt like they were being much more productive and efficient in their work as they worked from home. This feeling wasn’t unique to me.

Did I have concerns about returning to the office? You bet I did. Justifiable ones. Did the company say all the right things? Sure. Did they do the deep cleaning they assured us they did? The layer of dirt and dust all over my desk and overhead cabinet say no, but they said so. Okay. Was the cleaning of the common surfaces done as often as they promised? No – unless it was an employee cleaning up after themselves or seeing something that needed attention. Heck, the floor hadn’t even been vacuumed. The fuzzball next to my chair mat that was there when I set up my desk the afternoon of 6/12 was still there when I left 6/18. (Could I have picked it up? Yes but I was testing a theory.)

Again, legitimate concerns.

Scroll back to my first day in the office (Monday, June 15^th). First day back was hard for every single person in that office (except the rat maybe). I did what so many others have done and expressed my feelings on my own time, on my own Facebook page. Bullet points of what I shared from that day:
          - High Anxiety
          - Lack of Sleep
          - Raging Headache
           - Loads of Emails
          - Cold, Rainy, Gloomy Day
          - One of my first calls is a customer that drives all us crazy and she just wanted to scream
          - Missing my honey, my kids & my fuzzy socks
          - Construction crew hits a gas line and the building is evacuated
          - All of this before 11

Apparently a “concerned co-worker” took that post to my supervisor and manager and I got called in over it on Wednesday at the end of my shift. Among a litany of offenses they found in it (bear in mind neither of them have access to my posts):
          - I’m miserable
          - I hate my job
          - I hate the customers and they’re suffering for it
          - I am incapable of being anything other than negative
          - I never ever see the glass as half-full (I can’t tell you how much I detest that analogy in any form – the glass is re-fillable, it’s neither half-empty or half-full)
          - I hate my life
          - I want to jump off a building
          - I need counseling

There was more to it, obviously, but that’s the bare bones of it. You can probably imagine my incredulousness at the whole discussion. This was obviously precipitated by someone who doesn’t know me. At all.

There were a lot of things that were discussed that were, quite frankly, none of their business. I did point that out and was told that when it impacts my work it IS their business. Of course, when I asked for specific examples they back peddled and didn’t have any. It was a witch-hunt from the outset and I knew it. I stood up for myself, I defended my right to my feelings, my right of expression and I didn’t apologize or grovel at anyone’s feet as was expected of me. (If you’ve been there awhile and had any of those “conversations” you know the appropriate response is to grovel at someone’s feet while reaching up to kiss their ass. Sadly, I’ve got a bad knee and have never developed a taste for ass.)

The one thing I wish I had handled better in that situation was when I was asked very personal questions about things that they legally can’t ask about. Here I am, in a small office with a shut door, a manager and a supervisor being questioned and asked to defend myself. The act, in and of itself, is confining, suppressing and isolating. At no time did I feel safe enough to stand up and walk out that door. When I was asked about my health problems and those of my family, I answered. I wish I hadn’t. Legally they CANNOT do that. When they asked, point blank, if my child that suffers with anxiety and depression is medicated and seeing a counselor, I should have walked out. I was floored. What in the bloody hell gives them the right to demand an answer to that (remember the situation I’m sitting in – that scene is not one anyone can safely walk away from)? Demand an answer, they did. Had I known then how things would transpire, I would have told them to eff off and walked out the door.

An hour later, I emerged from interrogation absolutely stunned that they feel like they have the right to question anyone like that. You don’t pay me enough to buy control over my thoughts, my feelings or my right to express that.

The next day, Thursday, right before my shift ends I get a message that asks if I have about 5 minutes before I leave so they can “wrap up” yesterday’s conversation.

I got pulled into one of the “real” meeting rooms and was “let go.” Among other things, I asked for an explanation and was met with a lot of stumbling over words and a “the decision has been made”. Among the litany of offenses stated above, I wasn’t making any efforts to change or progress. I asked for a letter listing those offenses and was told no. I was offered a letter of termination if that was what I wanted. I said no, I wanted a letter outlining their reasons. Mister calm, cool and collected lost his composure and said “I won’t do it. I won’t put it in writing.” Hmmm…okay. “That’s because you don’t have any real reasons” was my accurate response. I did make sure to let him know that the entire “leadership team” is made up of hypocrites (yes, even those of you reading this now). You sit on these high thrones in glass towers leveling out platitudes about virtue, honor, integrity, honesty and you are completely incapable of living those very things. When you have to rely on spies, half-truths and deceit to justify your actions the fault lies in you, not me.

Life is funny. We find those very things that we seek. If you look for wrong, you find it. If you look for good, you find it. If you look for truth, you find it. If you look for ways to purge a company of irreplaceable employees that stand up for themselves and their rights, you find that too. Tell me this though…when you look in a mirror of truth, what do you see? I see a clean conscience. I bet you can’t say the same.

You can contrive situations, you can make up stories and lies to justify your actions, you can do whatever you want but you cannot change the truth. Lies to cover up lies build up and eventually that house of lies comes crashing down.

I am NOT the first person this has happened to, nor will I be the last. There are a whole lot of amazing people that have walked this road before me away from this cultish, toxic company and have found absolute purpose and joy in the freedom. As I started out on this road Thursday, I wasn’t sad. I was mad as hell (still am because it was wholly unjustified, discriminatory and sexist) but I’m fine. My worth was never, ever tied to that company or the people there. My worth is, as it always has been, on my shoulders. I walk away knowing that I am a better person, I am worth more than they know, I am valuable and they will never be able to fill my spot with anyone who has even a fraction of the knowledge and capabilities I do.

All of the brow-beating and belittling that is done to women in that company has never worked on me and never would have. Perhaps that is what was to be my undoing, but I’m okay with that. This is a company that is completely patriarchal in nature and both degrades and devalues women. They pay them less, treat them worse and keep a few close ones at hand so it doesn’t look like the sexism is there from the outside, but it is. My outspoken, educated, well-versed, strong nature was intimidating and it couldn’t be beaten out of me. I will never apologize for those very traits that help form my divine nature.

For the last almost 7 years, you paid me a wage to do a job. That doesn’t mean you get to own me. Your belief that everything a person says and does (either inside work or outside) is your concern is ludicrous. You are not Jim Jones, this is not Jonestown and I have always hated Kool-Aid.

As I close this door with my head held high, I’m at peace with it.