Faith Like A Child's

As you may or may not know, Taylor has had "bully problems" since school started this year and it's been a constant source of worry for me. We've done everything we physically can to protect him, but it truly has come down to trust. We have to trust that the people who are there to protect him when we aren't will do their job. We have to trust that he will do what he can to avoid the conflicts. We have to trust that this kid will agree to abide by the rules. We have to trust that all will be well.

Nate had "bully problems" in the past and he has taken the opportunity to give Taylor all sorts of advice, but the one thing he really grasped onto was "pray for him." Such a simple concept really, but one that could easily be overlooked. So pray he has. Every time we kneel for bedtime prayers or he offers a prayer at the dinner table, he asks for Ivan to have a sincere change of heart. Once things started to get better his prayers changed to "please let Ivan continue to have a change of heart." He isn't just praying for his own protection though - he truly wants this young man to have a change of heart so that he can be a better person.

(There's a lesson in this, huh?)

As I was folding laundry tonight I was thinking about this & wondering how it would work for me. What if, for just a brief period of time, I took all that hurt, anger, despair, loneliness, frustration and hopelessness and focused all that energy on praying for those that are seeking to rain these things down upon me? What if, instead of praying for strength to endure, for a resolution, for guidance, for it to stop...what if I prayed for them to have a sincere change of heart? Not for my benefit, but for theirs. What if?

Something beautiful happened with Taylor and this bully. I know they'd been tolerant of each other and it had gotten better, but I was ill-prepared for what he sprung on me tonight. "Mom, Ivan asked me yesterday if we could be friends." Honestly, I didn't expect that. I asked him to repeat himself and he did. Then I asked him what he thought about it. He went on to tell me about how they played soccer at recess together today and tomorrow Ivan's going to teach him how to play football.

I looked into those beautiful, loving, trusting blue eyes tonight and was reminded that despite it all, he never let his faith waiver. He didn't know how things were going to change, but he knew without question that if he sincerely prayed and did all he could to improve the situation that his Heavenly Father would answer his prayers. He didn't think it, he knew it.

Perhaps that's where my problem lies. I believe it will all be okay eventually. My logical mind's eye knows it will, but my aching heart doesn't always feel that way. I have the faith that it will improve, but perhaps what I lack is the conviction or the patience to wait for it. Oh, that I could be more like that little boy.

I am constantly humbled by my children, their convictions, their examples, their beliefs, their strength, their focus...they have taught me so many more things than I could ever teach them. Perhaps that seems backwards, but that's the way it is. For reasons I can't share (and honestly don't totally understand) they came "pre-wired" with this unshakable strength of character and moral fortitude that most people only ever hope to achieve during their lives. People laugh when I tell them "They came that way. I'm just trying not to screw them up." That's the truth.

I know they will contine to have their struggles & their demons to face, but I am so thankful that they were born with the beautiful spirits they were. My sweet Taylor struggles with fitting in; with making friends; with being a round peg in a square hole; with depression and anxiety (to a frightening degree sometimes); with being afraid to color outside the lines. The one thing he doesn't struggle with though is his absolute knowledge that when he closes his eyes, bows his head and utters a prayer that someone is listening. He knows someone is and he absolutely knows he's not alone in his struggles.

(That my friends, is the lesson. For all of us.)

Darkness & Hatred

I am so angry right now I don't even know if I can put into words even a fraction of what I'm feeling. I have to get it out before I explode though. I'm not of the laid back "don't worry about it" belief as my husband is. See, I've been the rock in this home for far longer than I can even recall so I don't have the luxury of NOT worrying about things.

When he went back on the road (a month after we made our first house payment) I was thrust into the role of...well...everything. On top of wearing more hats than I could have imagined, I was also the one who had to keep it all together so the kids could keep it together. 

Still wearing that hat, Vance's accident happens and I find myself being thrust into the additional role of care-taker for him. It didn't take long to learn how much (emotionally) he could handle and what things he could & couldn't deal with. 

I have been so strong for so many people (mainly for my kids - if I lose it, who will they have to keep them together) for so long and I'm tired. I'm so very, very tired. I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and there's not a soul in the world who can comprehend what that feels like. I can't quit carrying that load though because if I do, who will be there to pick up the pieces? Vance can't - he has too many struggles of his own he's trying to deal with. My kids can't - and I'd never ask them to. There is no one who can carry this. I don't know how to keep doing it, but I don't know how to stop either. I'm so tired. 

We had to go to Kennewick last weekend for what we hoped would be one of the last IMEs (Independent Medical Exams - although I'm not sure seeing the same doctor 3 times can even remotely be considered "independent" but that's another story). This morning I got an email from our attorney letting us know that they scheduled him for another one. December 6th in Lewiston, Idaho. Yes, seriously. I'm not sure what kind of moron does that, but they did. Driving that road in good weather takes about 6 hours - add the snow that's already flying and Whitebird Pass and it's a recipe for a disaster. He can't fly due to a medical condition from prior to the wreck so it's drive or nothing.

Long story short: I've been going back and forth with our attorney all day trying to work out something. I opened my email tonight to read her response letting me know that we needed a reason why we wouldn't be available for this test on 5 specific days in January. 5 days...last time I counted January had 26 other days in it, didn't it? We're being too picky though and as such, they can demand we appear or they'll declare him "non-cooperative."

EXCUSE ME? Haven't we been bending over backwards to accommodate their whims for 2 years, 1 month and 2 days already? Because this 1 date is disagreeable & we can't clear everything off our calendars for the entire month of January, we're non-cooperative. If they declare that it means they've won a settlement by default. What does that mean? That means they close the case, no longer pay any medical bills (they aren't paying for hardly anything anymore as it is) AND they can go after us to get the medical costs reimbursed. No kidding.

I sit here trying to absorb this and it makes my head spin. When this accident happened, it was SOLELY the fault of the other driver. It's seldom that someone is found to have 0% fault in an accident (especially when big trucks are involved), but that's what happened. Vance was found to have 0% fault in this. That being said, why in the FREAK are we back to blaming & punishing the victim? 

I am so angry right now I want to hurt someone. I want to pull those heads that are placed so firmly up the rear ends of their sleaze-ball attorney, the workmans comp insurance (yes, it's private insurance, not the state system) and his former employers and bash them all together. I want to hurt them. No, it wouldn't solve anything and I know that but I still want to. 

I hate the word "hate" but I have never hated anyone with the fury and venom that I feel at this moment. 

I want every one of them to feel for just a moment the hurt, the heartache, the fear, the worry, the despair, the frustration, the burden that I have felt every moment of every day since this happened to us. Yes, I said us. This accident has affected me in innumerable ways. It's affected the kids in very deep, life-altering ways. It's affected us a family and certainly us a couple. There is no aspect of our lives this hasn't altered. You can't even imagine.

Because I tell you that asking me to choose between 1) risking both our lives making that drive or 2) putting Vance on a plane that could risk his life because of a heart problem I'm being unreasonable? What's the right answer to this situation? There isn't one.

It would be of tremendous benefit if he didn't make those appointments and we're well aware of that. You've got a huge wine company whose deep pockets belong to the Italian mafia and a trucking company who is run by the mob. If either of us doesn't make it through to the end of this, you'll know why. It wouldn't be the first time in history, would it?

Just a little reminder of who the victim in this whole mess was